When adopted children start asking questions about their identity and biological heritage, how should you answer? Karen Calaway, who has served as a birth parent and adoption service counselor in thousands of adoption reunions, says that young adoptees' questions are often simple and straightforward and can be answered from the non-identifying information supplied by the law firm or adoption agency that facilitated the adoption. "Even a young child can learn about his origins bit by bit in casual conversations," she says.

She's found that young adoptees generally ask these questions about their adoptions:

• Why didn't my birth mother keep me?
• Wasn't she sad to give away her little baby?
• What did my birth mother look like?

Young children will most likely be more interested in how their birth mother looked or what clothes she wore rather than health and genetics, says Calaway. "Questions about birth parents should be answered at a child's level, as honestly and positively as possible," she adds. "A young child's interest will be often be satisfied with information about eye and hair color and talents and hobbies rather than describing a detailed life history."

Calaway suggests that a parent who has little specific information might consider saying, "Your birth mother loved you and that's why she chose adoption. I know it takes a lot of strength and maturity to make a hard decision like this." She says that a parent might paraphrase the circumstances by stating it in a child's terms. For example: "Making the decision to place you for adoption would be like you deciding that something you want really bad would be better off if someone else had it. Like a child who really wanted to keep a puppy, but realized he couldn't take care of it, because he lived in a small apartment and both he and his parents were always gone at work and school. It would be a brave decision if he decided it would be better for the puppy if he gave to a friend who lives on a farm who also wanted to keep it and could take really good care of it."

If photos or other facts are available, or even if it's possible for a child to meet a birth parent, Calaway says, this helps him see that the birth parent is a real person rather than a fantasy. "A parent's accurate answers to a child's questions are like a drink of water to someone who is thirsty. They can handle the truth better than trying to create their own reality from a mystery. Choose all the positive information you can without making anything up."

But Calaway says, "I don't think I would ever tell an adopted child that her birth mother was raped. If that were the situation, I would possibly say that the birth mother only knew the birth father for a short time, or that they didn't have a long relationship and that she didn't really want to get pregnant."

Teen adoptees ask somewhat different questions, as they struggle to establish their own identity and wonder about their biological roots. Calaway says teenagers generally ask four major questions about their adoptions:

• Why was I placed for adoption?
• Did my mother hold me before she gave me up?
• What is my ethnic and genetic background?
• Did my birth mother love me?

She suggests parents answer a teen's questions truthfully and not hold back any information. If parents don't know the answers, they can seek non-identifying information from the adoption agency or law firm that handled the adoption; once a child reaches 18, he can request his own non-identifying information. "You may be able to find a social worker who actually worked with the birth mother and could offer some additional insight," Calaway says. "You might want to consider maintaining an ongoing relationship with that social worker, who could answer different questions as the child grows up." You could also consult a post-adoption counselor at an adoption agency.

If you're considering a full-fledged search for your child's birth parents, Calaway suggests doing so before the age of 12 or after the child is 18—avoiding the more emotionally charged teen years.